I am really good at being stressed out.

It's something that I don't have to practice. It just comes naturally.

One of the things that God has blessed me with is my love of psychology. If not for other people, for myself. What does this have to do with being stressed out? I've become really good at self analysis, and in turn, really good at snapping myself out of it. But it's not always been this way, and I've really had to, and still have to, work hard at relaxing emotionally.

So much of my life has been up in the air. I feel like I've lost a lot of control of what's happening around me. By past experience, feeling out of control of my life can be dangerous. Don't get me wrong- I'm not super strict with myself or kids, but I do like the illusion of control.

On one particular day that I was feeling extremely out of control, I had a God moment. Don't you just love those? It was just a gentle reminder, but it felt like a punch in the gut.

I sometimes wonder why God doesn't speak to me in an audible voice. Or even in a subtle one. Why I can't just open the Bible and see what I need to see for my trouble. Usually the answer is that I get in my own way.

This day that was out of control and I was beginning to feel sorry for myself. There was no plan for anything and I couldn't create one. I felt helpless. After about two to three hours of complaining in my head, I realized what I'd been reading for my personal devotions. The story of Joseph in Genesis had been in my reading for a few days (starting in Genesis 37).

Talk about not having a plan or being able to create one.

Through all of Joseph's uncertainty in his life, all he did was trust God. My brothers trap me in a pit? Sell me as a slave? Go to the top in my masters home, then get thrown in jail? Get forgotten in jail? No problem. Maybe his complaining was edited out, but I believe that Joseph just trusted God- mostly because he was forgiving of his brothers right away, and his successes in Egypt, which I don't think he would have achieved with a poor attitude.

When I thought of all Joseph had gone through (and not just in a 4-5 week period either) I felt slightly ridiculous for my attitude. What in my life has been so uncontrollable that I could not trust God?

I just love the story of Joseph and his reconciliation with his family. Part of my favorite passage is Genesis 45:5-8 "⁵ Now do not be grieved or angry ^[e]with yourselves, because ^(G)you sold me here, for ^(H)God sent me before you to preserve life. ⁶ For the famine has been in the land ^(I)these two years, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. ^7 (J)God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great^[f]deliverance. ⁸ Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God" 
Oh to have the faith to say "it was not you, but God". God is in control of all of my situations, even the ones that seem uncontrollable. I am humbled that I have a God that would care enough about me and my bigger picture to be in control of my situations. I am sure there were times that Joseph wasn't sure of what God was doing. There may have been times where he questioned what was happening.
I think I may always be prone to feeling stress, but I can change the way I handle it. Even in mine and my child's unsure situation now (which is for another time), I can trust that God is in control. He is handling my situation, and when it's all said and done, I can say, "it was God". Truly.

Journeying On

"Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16

I don't think I can say enough how thankful I am for you all and your prayers for our family. We've certainly felt them over these past few weeks.

I know what you're all reading this for, so I won't keep you waiting. Our ultrasound was this morning. Thank goodness for a 9 am appointment. I probably wouldn't have made it through the day if it were any later than that.

As I laid on the ultrasound table and the tech started my ultrasound, I felt an amazing sense of peace (which is what I've been asking you to pray for, right?). She showed us the heart beat right away, which was such a praise. My ultimate fear was no heartbeat. As I watched our baby twist and kick and float across the screen, I thought "It doesn't matter anymore." I was just so happy to see the baby, that I really felt as if I didn't care, but I also just knew that things were ok.

The doctor confirmed that also. She said she didn't see anything in the ultrasound that they saw the first time around. The anatomy looked perfect, and the baby looked healthy. Of course, she also said something along the lines of: "it's impossible to be 100% positive from just an ultrasound", so it looks as if I'll also be doing the blood test, but for now, we're just thankful that this part of our journey is over.

God has taught me some incredible things about trusting Him. This morning before my appointment, I kept reminding myself that if I really trusted in God, I needed to let my anxiety go. Apart from the brief lump in my throat, God allowed me to have a fairly anxious free morning. I know part of that is because Phil was with me,  part was because you all were praying (thank you!), and all of it was God.

One of the things I've been asking for throughout, and God has been granting me, was peace. So I think it no coincidence that this showed up in our ultrasound. It just showed me, not only how much God loves us and our child, but a little of His sense of humor (seriously, I could not help giggling about it later):

Almost there!

This will probably be my last post before the ultrasound.

I've been trying to figure out what I'd like to convey. It's been a tough emotional journey. I'm constantly thinking about my unborn child, but not in a depressing way. More like the way a mother would. I wonder if I'm having a boy or a girl (although we may decide not to find out), who he/she will look like, will they have blonde hair, like daddy, or dark hair, like mommy? But I am also thinking about what the outcome of this ultrasound will be.

I'm trying not to over analyze what I don't know, and I know Phil is doing the same thing. I can't say I know what Phil's prayers are exactly, but I can say I know that I'm just praying for peace. I'm not necessarily praying for God to "heal" my child. Regardless of the outcome, I believe Psalm 139:14 applies to my unborn child (and other children!) , "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well".

God has really been doing a work on me the past 5 weeks. I'm pretty much a "go it alone" type of person. I don't like to ask for help even (or especially) when I need it. I even act that way with my Heavenly Father, and there are just those times when God humbles me and says "you need help now. Ask for it". I've been asking for a lot of prayer, and although that seems simple enough for most people, it's not for me. I'm a private person, and usually I like it that way. This journey has made me break down some walls of solitude and humbly ask. I'm also an anxious person by nature. I've been working through this anxiety since high school, and although I hope many people don't notice it, I tend to think worst case scenario. But with your prayers and mine, I have seriously had a peace about this situation. I haven't let myself too often go for the worst case scenario. I haven't even really played out in my head what might happen if there needs to be a diagnosis.

Our ultrasound is this coming week (though we might keep the date private, except telling our family and friends), and I would appreciate your prayers! I still need that peace and patience. Although God has been doing a great deal of work in my life, there's still a lot more work that needs to be done. I still have to fight myself on thinking negative things, or feeling stressed and overwhelmed (which I may feel throughout the entire pregnancy regardless- this is our fourth child, after all!). I still really appreciate your support and prayers. God is good, all the time!

Power of Prayer

So it's occurred to both Phil and I that when people ask "how are you doing?" or "anything new?", we're never really sure what they're talking about.

I have to be completely honest about this whole situation- I'm probably not thinking about it as much as everyone else! God has granted me this awesome peace about the baby- and I know it's because you're praying for us. It's not that I'm sure about what's going to happen, or even that I think that God will completely heal our child (or that it was just a fluke). Of course I believe that God can heal our child if there's a problem, but I don't think that's the only way God could show us He loves us.

When I get asked "how are you doing?" I answer in terms of being pregnant. I'm tired all the time, lately I'm getting super moody, and I'm hungry. :) My morning sickness is thankfully gone, although I do get nauseous from time to time. It's really hard to sleep, already. I get cravings for normal food, but sometimes they cravings are bad enough that I'll think about it until I get to eat it.

In terms of the situation with the baby- we have so much to be thankful for.

• I'm thankful for all the people that have let us know this is not unusual. That was probably what I was thankful for the most at first. I had so many people telling me that they had the same thing happen with one of their children, while still acknowledging how scary and hard this time can be. 
• I'm thankful for being able to be busy. I think that's kept me from delving too far into my bad thoughts, and pitying us in this situation. Having 3 kids 4 and under really helps to keep me focused on right now, and not too much about future what-ifs.
• No matter how trivial it sounds, I'm thankful for people praying for us. I've said it to a few people, but almost immediately after I posted my last update, I felt relieved. I know it's because we had people who are helping to carry our burden. Thank you so much for supporting us, and walking through this journey with us. 

 I'm hesitant to put the exact date of the ultrasound out there, but as it gets closer, I'm sure I'll let you all know.  We do have a date set up for our Level 2 ultrasound in January. The baby will be much bigger by then, so if it was something developmental, it will be gone by then. If there's anything else, they will be able to see. Seriously, thank you for your prayers!

You might as well know (Please Pray!)

‎"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the

Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His

understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks

might He increases power.... Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new

strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get

tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:28-29,31


It seems to be, lately, that I've been doing a lot of waiting. Patience is a virtue I lack often. And when you pray for patience, be sure that God will give you something to help you develop that trait. I've heard it before, and I know from experience that it happens, but sometimes it's a trait you can't deny, and something mother's need.

In October, Phil and I found out that we are expecting our fourth child. This was, indeed, quite a shock, and even still is hard to grasp. Though I wanted another child (and Phil was not quite as sure), my plans were for a few years in the future. At one point I wanted to have my family completed by the time I was 30. As that age closes in on me, I realize that it's not as old as I once thought, and my family could wait a few years longer. The big mistake was probably trying to make that plan concrete with God. He seems to have a sense of humor when it comes to my family planning.

My first prenatal appointment went well. No heartbeat, but we figured I was a little too early. Because I was having trouble dating myself and how far along I might be, we scheduled an ultrasound. Some travel plans complicated my appointment, so I had to reschedule. I was to have my ultrasound on the 29th of November, and my regular appointment on the 8th of December.

The ultrasound went well although I wasn't too keen on the ultrasound tech. I left my appointment with the few standard pictures and a due date. The tech's farewell threw me off slightly- "I'll give these to the doctor, and after she assesses them, she'll give them to the midwife and then you'll discuss them at your appointment"- but I chalked it up to her not being my usual tech.

On Wednesday, I received the phone call no parent wants to have:

"I'm going to go over your ultrasound with you right now. We spotted an abnormality with the baby."

At that point, everything felt slow motion, including the things she was saying. I caught on to few words, like "possibly down syndrome" and "you'll need to see a specialist".

I'm not sure how I got through the next week and a half (well, I am sure- the prayers of those few but faithful who knew what we were dealing with). I was much more level headed at my next appointent. This is what my midwife told me: they spotted swelling in the back of the baby's neck/spine. It's characteristic of a baby with down syndrome, however it could just be the stage of development our baby was in (and maybe less likely, an issue with the heart).

We've chosen to tell people what's going on for one reason- prayer. This is one of those situations were Phil and I are basically sitting helplessly by, wondering what is going on with our unborn child. Some days I feel so unsettled, but even in those times, God has blessed me with a peace. After my ultrasound, before I knew what we might be dealing with, I looked at those pictures and thought "I love this child", and really felt quite emotional about it. That love has and will undoubtedly stay the same, regardless of the circumstances or outcome.

There is nothing we can do besides pray. We need prayer for strength (as I'm feeling exhausted with 3 running around already!), and calm. And yes, patience.I'm so appreciative of those few who knew, and your prayers. I find comfort in being surrounded by our family in Christ. In my next blog, I plan on telling talking about the things I'm thankful for thus far in this short, but tiring journey (I'm mostly just putting that down as a reminder to myself). There are things that I've already been comforted with, but this is too long already.

It's here!

My precious, sweet middle child turned 3 on Friday. It was her first birthday party so I wanted to make sure it it her perfectly. She's not the typical girly-girl. She's a little rough and tumble from being second to her older brother. At the end of May, however, we had the chance to visit Disney world.

Even though she fell in love with princesses, she still loves to play in the dirt and mud. I wanted her to have a girly party, but not completely over-do it on pink frilliness.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the money to hire a photographer and I didn't have time to take so many pictures. So, I'll show what I have and describe the rest :)

These lovely pom poms were at the entrance of my house. There were also 2 light pink pom poms. I hung them from our porch. (They're now hanging in my girls room. I love double duty decorations!)

The littler counter parts hung above our kitchen bar. This bar also housed the gifts when the guests arrived.

Because I never got a close up of the "before" cake/ food table, this will have to do. I'll try to explain what you may or may not see in this picture. Behind the table is the castle that I worked on. It's also now in the girls room. Next to the table I drew free-hand a few of the princesses, and framed them. In front of the castle, in glass jars, are different color-coded bead necklaces. They added a really cute sparkle to the table.

Princess crown cupcakes and frog prince cupcakes. I love cupcakes for a many reasons. First, portion control. Second, when it comes to blowing out the candles, kids tend to spit. This way, everyone can enjoy a cupcake without wondering if my child slobbered all over them! (And you can see the beaded necklaces in the background.) 

My intention with the heart garland was to have a few hanging on all windows in the castle room.  They took a lot of time though. These few were cute, and they especially looked cute from the outside. 

My sweet little birthday girl (right) and one of her party guests. I guess  this  picture doesn't show very well the  castle that I built, but you get the idea. It's a one-room castle, but the kids loved it. I wish I could have spent more time on it, and made them bigger (there were 2), but what really matters is what my child thought, and she LOVED them.

Over all, Caedence loved her party, and I think her friends liked it too! A few more decorations I'd like to share:

Behind and around the castles I hung white wedding lights. I also strung twine in front of the castles and hung 2 metallic bronze curtains on it. I drew the curtains back and tied them with tulle.

Speaking of tulle, no princess party would be complete without a little tulle. In the corner of the castle area, I set up a child sized table with a tea set on it. Above the table was bunches of tulle attached to the ceiling and draped in the corner.

The kids loved making their own crowns. The girls decorated wands and the boys had swords.

The goody "bag" was a princess paint set and a tulle dress-up skirt for the girls and toy story paint set and shield for the boys.

If I had to do it over again, I would have taken more pictures. And although I see ways I could have made it better, that's not what matters.

I felt so blessed to actually have some family (Phil's mom, Caedence's grandma, was able to come visit) and my daughters friends celebrate with us. I'm beginning to realize that her party would have been perfect if we'd only had food and no decorations, or games, or gifts. God is so good to us, that we not only had food, but a bunch of extra stuff to share. If you allowed your children to share in the celebration of my child's life, I sincerely thank you!

Another Sneak Peek!

Another sneak peek- and it didn't take all night! These are pom poms that will hang on the ceiling. There will hopefully be 4, and only 1 is green. This craft is super easy, and not very time consuming, especially if you're chatting with a friend. Even better if she helps (thanks Sue)!

p.s. They are pretty big, but the picture makes them look enormous.