This will probably be my last post before the ultrasound.
I've been trying to figure out what I'd like to convey. It's been a tough emotional journey. I'm constantly thinking about my unborn child, but not in a depressing way. More like the way a mother would. I wonder if I'm having a boy or a girl (although we may decide not to find out), who he/she will look like, will they have blonde hair, like daddy, or dark hair, like mommy? But I am also thinking about what the outcome of this ultrasound will be.
I'm trying not to over analyze what I don't know, and I know Phil is doing the same thing. I can't say I know what Phil's prayers are exactly, but I can say I know that I'm just praying for peace. I'm not necessarily praying for God to "heal" my child. Regardless of the outcome, I believe Psalm 139:14 applies to my unborn child (and other children!) , "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well".
God has really been doing a work on me the past 5 weeks. I'm pretty much a "go it alone" type of person. I don't like to ask for help even (or especially) when I need it. I even act that way with my Heavenly Father, and there are just those times when God humbles me and says "you need help now. Ask for it". I've been asking for a lot of prayer, and although that seems simple enough for most people, it's not for me. I'm a private person, and usually I like it that way. This journey has made me break down some walls of solitude and humbly ask. I'm also an anxious person by nature. I've been working through this anxiety since high school, and although I hope many people don't notice it, I tend to think worst case scenario. But with your prayers and mine, I have seriously had a peace about this situation. I haven't let myself too often go for the worst case scenario. I haven't even really played out in my head what might happen if there needs to be a diagnosis.
Our ultrasound is this coming week (though we might keep the date private, except telling our family and friends), and I would appreciate your prayers! I still need that peace and patience. Although God has been doing a great deal of work in my life, there's still a lot more work that needs to be done. I still have to fight myself on thinking negative things, or feeling stressed and overwhelmed (which I may feel throughout the entire pregnancy regardless- this is our fourth child, after all!). I still really appreciate your support and prayers. God is good, all the time!
Showing posts with label down syndrome. Show all posts
Showing posts with label down syndrome. Show all posts
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Monday, December 19, 2011
Power of Prayer
So it's occurred to both Phil and I that when people ask "how are you doing?" or "anything new?", we're never really sure what they're talking about.
I have to be completely honest about this whole situation- I'm probably not thinking about it as much as everyone else! God has granted me this awesome peace about the baby- and I know it's because you're praying for us. It's not that I'm sure about what's going to happen, or even that I think that God will completely heal our child (or that it was just a fluke). Of course I believe that God can heal our child if there's a problem, but I don't think that's the only way God could show us He loves us.
When I get asked "how are you doing?" I answer in terms of being pregnant. I'm tired all the time, lately I'm getting super moody, and I'm hungry. :) My morning sickness is thankfully gone, although I do get nauseous from time to time. It's really hard to sleep, already. I get cravings for normal food, but sometimes they cravings are bad enough that I'll think about it until I get to eat it.
In terms of the situation with the baby- we have so much to be thankful for.
I have to be completely honest about this whole situation- I'm probably not thinking about it as much as everyone else! God has granted me this awesome peace about the baby- and I know it's because you're praying for us. It's not that I'm sure about what's going to happen, or even that I think that God will completely heal our child (or that it was just a fluke). Of course I believe that God can heal our child if there's a problem, but I don't think that's the only way God could show us He loves us.
When I get asked "how are you doing?" I answer in terms of being pregnant. I'm tired all the time, lately I'm getting super moody, and I'm hungry. :) My morning sickness is thankfully gone, although I do get nauseous from time to time. It's really hard to sleep, already. I get cravings for normal food, but sometimes they cravings are bad enough that I'll think about it until I get to eat it.
In terms of the situation with the baby- we have so much to be thankful for.
- I'm thankful for all the people that have let us know this is not unusual. That was probably what I was thankful for the most at first. I had so many people telling me that they had the same thing happen with one of their children, while still acknowledging how scary and hard this time can be.
- I'm thankful for being able to be busy. I think that's kept me from delving too far into my bad thoughts, and pitying us in this situation. Having 3 kids 4 and under really helps to keep me focused on right now, and not too much about future what-ifs.
- No matter how trivial it sounds, I'm thankful for people praying for us. I've said it to a few people, but almost immediately after I posted my last update, I felt relieved. I know it's because we had people who are helping to carry our burden. Thank you so much for supporting us, and walking through this journey with us.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
You might as well know (Please Pray!)
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the
Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His
understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks
might He increases power.... Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new
strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get
tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:28-29,31
It seems to be, lately, that I've been doing a lot of waiting. Patience is a virtue I lack often. And when you pray for patience, be sure that God will give you something to help you develop that trait. I've heard it before, and I know from experience that it happens, but sometimes it's a trait you can't deny, and something mother's need.
In October, Phil and I found out that we are expecting our fourth child. This was, indeed, quite a shock, and even still is hard to grasp. Though I wanted another child (and Phil was not quite as sure), my plans were for a few years in the future. At one point I wanted to have my family completed by the time I was 30. As that age closes in on me, I realize that it's not as old as I once thought, and my family could wait a few years longer. The big mistake was probably trying to make that plan concrete with God. He seems to have a sense of humor when it comes to my family planning.
My first prenatal appointment went well. No heartbeat, but we figured I was a little too early. Because I was having trouble dating myself and how far along I might be, we scheduled an ultrasound. Some travel plans complicated my appointment, so I had to reschedule. I was to have my ultrasound on the 29th of November, and my regular appointment on the 8th of December.
The ultrasound went well although I wasn't too keen on the ultrasound tech. I left my appointment with the few standard pictures and a due date. The tech's farewell threw me off slightly- "I'll give these to the doctor, and after she assesses them, she'll give them to the midwife and then you'll discuss them at your appointment"- but I chalked it up to her not being my usual tech.
On Wednesday, I received the phone call no parent wants to have:
"I'm going to go over your ultrasound with you right now. We spotted an abnormality with the baby."
At that point, everything felt slow motion, including the things she was saying. I caught on to few words, like "possibly down syndrome" and "you'll need to see a specialist".
I'm not sure how I got through the next week and a half (well, I am sure- the prayers of those few but faithful who knew what we were dealing with). I was much more level headed at my next appointent. This is what my midwife told me: they spotted swelling in the back of the baby's neck/spine. It's characteristic of a baby with down syndrome, however it could just be the stage of development our baby was in (and maybe less likely, an issue with the heart).
We've chosen to tell people what's going on for one reason- prayer. This is one of those situations were Phil and I are basically sitting helplessly by, wondering what is going on with our unborn child. Some days I feel so unsettled, but even in those times, God has blessed me with a peace. After my ultrasound, before I knew what we might be dealing with, I looked at those pictures and thought "I love this child", and really felt quite emotional about it. That love has and will undoubtedly stay the same, regardless of the circumstances or outcome.
There is nothing we can do besides pray. We need prayer for strength (as I'm feeling exhausted with 3 running around already!), and calm. And yes, patience.I'm so appreciative of those few who knew, and your prayers. I find comfort in being surrounded by our family in Christ. In my next blog, I plan on telling talking about the things I'm thankful for thus far in this short, but tiring journey (I'm mostly just putting that down as a reminder to myself). There are things that I've already been comforted with, but this is too long already.
Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His
understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks
might He increases power.... Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new
strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get
tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:28-29,31
It seems to be, lately, that I've been doing a lot of waiting. Patience is a virtue I lack often. And when you pray for patience, be sure that God will give you something to help you develop that trait. I've heard it before, and I know from experience that it happens, but sometimes it's a trait you can't deny, and something mother's need.
In October, Phil and I found out that we are expecting our fourth child. This was, indeed, quite a shock, and even still is hard to grasp. Though I wanted another child (and Phil was not quite as sure), my plans were for a few years in the future. At one point I wanted to have my family completed by the time I was 30. As that age closes in on me, I realize that it's not as old as I once thought, and my family could wait a few years longer. The big mistake was probably trying to make that plan concrete with God. He seems to have a sense of humor when it comes to my family planning.
My first prenatal appointment went well. No heartbeat, but we figured I was a little too early. Because I was having trouble dating myself and how far along I might be, we scheduled an ultrasound. Some travel plans complicated my appointment, so I had to reschedule. I was to have my ultrasound on the 29th of November, and my regular appointment on the 8th of December.
The ultrasound went well although I wasn't too keen on the ultrasound tech. I left my appointment with the few standard pictures and a due date. The tech's farewell threw me off slightly- "I'll give these to the doctor, and after she assesses them, she'll give them to the midwife and then you'll discuss them at your appointment"- but I chalked it up to her not being my usual tech.
On Wednesday, I received the phone call no parent wants to have:
"I'm going to go over your ultrasound with you right now. We spotted an abnormality with the baby."
At that point, everything felt slow motion, including the things she was saying. I caught on to few words, like "possibly down syndrome" and "you'll need to see a specialist".
I'm not sure how I got through the next week and a half (well, I am sure- the prayers of those few but faithful who knew what we were dealing with). I was much more level headed at my next appointent. This is what my midwife told me: they spotted swelling in the back of the baby's neck/spine. It's characteristic of a baby with down syndrome, however it could just be the stage of development our baby was in (and maybe less likely, an issue with the heart).
We've chosen to tell people what's going on for one reason- prayer. This is one of those situations were Phil and I are basically sitting helplessly by, wondering what is going on with our unborn child. Some days I feel so unsettled, but even in those times, God has blessed me with a peace. After my ultrasound, before I knew what we might be dealing with, I looked at those pictures and thought "I love this child", and really felt quite emotional about it. That love has and will undoubtedly stay the same, regardless of the circumstances or outcome.
There is nothing we can do besides pray. We need prayer for strength (as I'm feeling exhausted with 3 running around already!), and calm. And yes, patience.I'm so appreciative of those few who knew, and your prayers. I find comfort in being surrounded by our family in Christ. In my next blog, I plan on telling talking about the things I'm thankful for thus far in this short, but tiring journey (I'm mostly just putting that down as a reminder to myself). There are things that I've already been comforted with, but this is too long already.
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