Journeying On

"Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16

I don't think I can say enough how thankful I am for you all and your prayers for our family. We've certainly felt them over these past few weeks.

I know what you're all reading this for, so I won't keep you waiting. Our ultrasound was this morning. Thank goodness for a 9 am appointment. I probably wouldn't have made it through the day if it were any later than that.

As I laid on the ultrasound table and the tech started my ultrasound, I felt an amazing sense of peace (which is what I've been asking you to pray for, right?). She showed us the heart beat right away, which was such a praise. My ultimate fear was no heartbeat. As I watched our baby twist and kick and float across the screen, I thought "It doesn't matter anymore." I was just so happy to see the baby, that I really felt as if I didn't care, but I also just knew that things were ok.

The doctor confirmed that also. She said she didn't see anything in the ultrasound that they saw the first time around. The anatomy looked perfect, and the baby looked healthy. Of course, she also said something along the lines of: "it's impossible to be 100% positive from just an ultrasound", so it looks as if I'll also be doing the blood test, but for now, we're just thankful that this part of our journey is over.

God has taught me some incredible things about trusting Him. This morning before my appointment, I kept reminding myself that if I really trusted in God, I needed to let my anxiety go. Apart from the brief lump in my throat, God allowed me to have a fairly anxious free morning. I know part of that is because Phil was with me,  part was because you all were praying (thank you!), and all of it was God.

One of the things I've been asking for throughout, and God has been granting me, was peace. So I think it no coincidence that this showed up in our ultrasound. It just showed me, not only how much God loves us and our child, but a little of His sense of humor (seriously, I could not help giggling about it later):

Almost there!

This will probably be my last post before the ultrasound.

I've been trying to figure out what I'd like to convey. It's been a tough emotional journey. I'm constantly thinking about my unborn child, but not in a depressing way. More like the way a mother would. I wonder if I'm having a boy or a girl (although we may decide not to find out), who he/she will look like, will they have blonde hair, like daddy, or dark hair, like mommy? But I am also thinking about what the outcome of this ultrasound will be.

I'm trying not to over analyze what I don't know, and I know Phil is doing the same thing. I can't say I know what Phil's prayers are exactly, but I can say I know that I'm just praying for peace. I'm not necessarily praying for God to "heal" my child. Regardless of the outcome, I believe Psalm 139:14 applies to my unborn child (and other children!) , "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well".

God has really been doing a work on me the past 5 weeks. I'm pretty much a "go it alone" type of person. I don't like to ask for help even (or especially) when I need it. I even act that way with my Heavenly Father, and there are just those times when God humbles me and says "you need help now. Ask for it". I've been asking for a lot of prayer, and although that seems simple enough for most people, it's not for me. I'm a private person, and usually I like it that way. This journey has made me break down some walls of solitude and humbly ask. I'm also an anxious person by nature. I've been working through this anxiety since high school, and although I hope many people don't notice it, I tend to think worst case scenario. But with your prayers and mine, I have seriously had a peace about this situation. I haven't let myself too often go for the worst case scenario. I haven't even really played out in my head what might happen if there needs to be a diagnosis.

Our ultrasound is this coming week (though we might keep the date private, except telling our family and friends), and I would appreciate your prayers! I still need that peace and patience. Although God has been doing a great deal of work in my life, there's still a lot more work that needs to be done. I still have to fight myself on thinking negative things, or feeling stressed and overwhelmed (which I may feel throughout the entire pregnancy regardless- this is our fourth child, after all!). I still really appreciate your support and prayers. God is good, all the time!